79: Security Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Should this persist, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the English issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when the Spanish Armada was beating up the Channel.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “See you, Jimmy” to “Let’s get thae Baisterts.” We don’t have any other levels, which explains why we’ve been the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. In sympathy, Cardiff Bay has raised the Welsh level from Cantata 208 (page 184 of Land of My Fathers hymnal—Sheep May Safely Graze) to “ble mae fy defaid?” which translates (roughly) as “just leave the sheep and kick for touch while I warm up the choir”.

Not to feel isolated, the Taoiseach has approved raising the threat level to Eire from “stabbing you in the back in front of your face” to “slitting your throat behind your own back.”  Even the Isle on Man felt sufficiently moved to raise its own level from “Deposits of £50,000 are welcome” to “Deposits of £100,000 are welcome”.

Further a-field, Canada changed their level from “aboot low, eh?” to “aboot medium, eh?” and Australia from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! we need more foaming tubes of Mrs Foster’s finest!” and “The barbie is canceled.”

Thankfully, no crisis has yet warranted use of so drastic a level of escalation.

About davidsberry

Local councillor, tour guide and database designer. Keen on wildlife, history, boats and music. Stood for the Scottish Parliament 2011; lost by 151 votes.
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